Keeping up has been harder, lately. It’s taking more energy, attention, and effort right now than I think it should.
I think to myself, uncharitably: Is it that I’m getting older? Have I gotten lazy? Complacent? Am I just afraid of hard work? What’s going on with me?
When I consider it rationally, I know that I’m better at being me than I’ve ever been. My history is full of successes and failures that I’ve learned a lot from. More than ever, I know how to learn new skills and keep myself curious about new ideas. I know where I need tools to make myself more effective, and I use them. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and reasonably confident in my strengths.
So what the heck is going on?
I don’t want it to be related to the background radiation of the nuclear events in my country’s government, creating destruction and accelerating cancerous growth of oligarch strength. I have a list of news sources that I follow, and actions that I take, and I work to limit the time and attention that devolution steals from me.
Even while I try to limit the day-to-day effects, it’s important for me to recognize: the fear for civil rights, especially my trans, immigrant, female, and nonbinary friends, fear for my country’s crumbling alliances, for our crumbling bridges, for our crumbling healthcare systems, for the viability of small businesses like mine, for the continued validity of our constitution—these are eating away at me.
Frank Herbert wrote “fear is the mind-killer,” and there’s more truth in that than I want. Fear makes it harder to think clearly, and most of my work right now is thinking work: writing books, creating and teaching workshops, providing mentorship, creating content in my consulting.
The work I’m doing requires more intensive thinking per hour than ever.
All this means: My work costs more in energy than it costs in time. And when I’m doing that work in an increasingly uncertain time, it costs more energy than ever.
I’m going to work on giving myself what I need to recuperate from all this energy outlay. If any of this resonated with you, I hope you can take that energy for yourself, too.